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March 13, 2013
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Slowly she turned the dial, tightening the gears and reset the time on the unmoving pocket watch.  Light shone through the cracks in the blinds and bounced off the silver watch making it sparkle.  “Renne it’s time for you to get ready!” Aunt Linda called from downstairs.  Renne turned onto her side sighed and heaved herself out of bed. She reached toward the ceiling stretching her aching body. “Good morning!” Renne smiled as she looked at her parent’s photo.  Dragging her feet across the carpet Renne picked up the brush from the dresser and brushed out her tangled brown hair.  Without changing out of her pyjamas Renne left her bedroom door open and quickly made her way down the stairs.  The floor boards squeaked while she walked into the kitchen. Auntie Linda stood over the stove making a pot of tea and some french toast.  “Good morning Aunt Linda!” Renne smiled while she sat down on a wooden chair.  Her Aunt returned with a warm smile and a kiss on the forehead.  “It’s nice to see you finally smiling again”.  Renne laughed a little, “Sorry I worried you Aunt Linda”. Linda placed her hands on Renne’s and calmly stared into her hazel brown eyes bent down and gave her niece a hug then went back to the stove.  Renne pulled out the pocket watch her eyes grew colder as the watch dangled in front of her, If only the accident never happened, we would all be at our house in Victoria she thought to herself.  Frowning Renne closed here eyes and memories of the house appeared, her father and mother standing on the porch beckoned her to come over. Smiling she dashed over to them only to find out the house moved farther and farther away from her. Wait! She cried out to them, her mother gestured Renne to take her hand. Renne sprinted to keep up with them while stretching out her hand to reach her mothers, don’t leave me she cried.  “Renne!” a voice yelled.  Her eyes flew open to she her aunt’s startled face. “What’s the matter? You’re crying!” Linda’s voice was frantic and filled with worry. Breathing shallow breathes Renne recognized that she was sitting in her aunts kitchen. “I’m sorry; I had a vision of seeing...” Renne trailed off. Linda rubbed her cheeks drying the tears, and then gave Renne a heartening hug. “It’s ok, don’t cry everything will be fine” Linda whispered hugging her nieces trembling body.  “Renne you have become restless while you’re sleeping” Linda stated frowning at the thought.  “I’m sorry” Renne quivered then buried her face into her aunt’s shoulder.  “Shh don’t cry anymore, it’s alright now” Linda whispered giving reassuring pats. After a minute the kettle went off, Linda loosened her grip “Sweetie do you want some tea now?” she question. Renne gave a slight nodded and let go allowing Linda to get a cup of cherry tea. “Here this will help calm you down” Linda placed the steaming cup of tea in front of Renne.  In a small voice Renne replied with a thank you, and then turned her head to the pocket watch, the watch lay on the floor undamaged. Deciding it best to leave the watch on the ground Renne directed her attention on the French toast. Episodes were very common for Renne after the accident. In nightmares the gruesome event is replayed, the flashing lights, the voices of screaming people and the colour red.  “Why don’t you go get ready? Today I thought we could go for a walk in the park” Linda gestured noticing Renne’s frightened face. Without replying Renne got up from the table trudging her feet along the floor boards. She washed her face removing all signs of crying then got dressed. Renne wore a yellow dress with white daisy suggested by Linda hoping it would brighten her mood.  Running down the stairs she called out to her aunt. “I’m just outside Renne! Come on lets go!” Linda hollered back. The sound of a car could be heard from the hallway. Renne threw on some flip flops then noticed the sparkle of the watch. She hesitated for a moment before strutting over and snatching the watch. Renne took a deep breathe burying the watch into her side pocket.  Linda called out to her, racing over to the door Renne lock the house behind her.  “Why did you leave my watch on the ground?” Renne asked as she got into the car. “Well it’s not mine to touch” to which Linda replied. The watch’s owner was Renne’s mother given to her on there wedding day. Renne pouted at her aunt’s reply, sinking into the car’s seat she began fiddling with the watch.  An old country song Renne’s mother used to like came on, Renne reached toward the stereo to change the station. Her Aunt sighed “Is every memory about them that painful? Even the good one’s?” Renne nodded as she spun the watch in a clockwise circle. Linda turned the corner into the park, the Newfoundland scenario was very different from British Columbia it through Renne off guard. She never liked the idea of being exposed, especially about her emotions; episodes make her feel weak and vulnerable. Her Aunt gave her a reassuring smile “Come one let’s go find a nice spot to have a picnic?” Renne looked around the park, and found a clump of bushes. “How about over there?” She pointed. Linda followed the direction Renne was pointing, she gave a quick nodded and grabbed the basket full of food. “This is a fine place for a picnic!” Linda laughed energetically. “Aunt Linda I’m going for a stroll, I’ll be back in awhile” Renne stated, hoping her aunt won’t disagree.  Linda caught the tone in her voice she took a couple seconds to come up with a decent argument but quickly changed her mind. Even the sick need time alone, Renne walked down the pebbled path with her aunts warning “If you run into trouble, holler I’ll be there in a heart beat!” Renne chuckled slightly on how much her aunt meant that. Of course she would I’m her big brothers only daughter. Renne looked at the pocket watch, holding it up to the sun she examined the decorative design, she remember how much her mother loved this watch. Funny how such a small item could ruin the lives of so many people. Renne sat at a park bench dropping her gaze she counted how many houses she moved to before Aunt Linda took her in. “eight or so” she chuckled, no one wanted to have the mentally insane living at there house and who  would want the one person who shouldn’t have lived? You’re the one to blame for this she thought to herself.  The police said no one was at fault but she was the one who killed her parents in the car crash.  That night a blizzard swept through Victoria it was so bad you couldn’t see a foot in front of you; the family was just getting home from the school recital. Renne was playing with a watch in the back seat; she swung the pocket watch like a pendulum and accidentally let go. The watch fell between the seats, Renne unbuckled her seat belt against her mothers protesting. Her father asked her to get back in her seat but Renne ignored him. They were too busy looking for the watch; they did not see the semi truck. Renne’s father hit the brakes; her mother pushed her back into the seat then hugged Renne. Just before they collided, her mother whispered to her “I love you sweetheart.” Renne opened her eyes she fell asleep on the park bench “how long have I been sitting here?” she said aloud rubbing her back. The pocket watch was still in her hand; all her pain and sorrow came from this watch, but she remembered her mother’s last words “I love you sweetheart”. The past years Renne had convinced herself that she caused her parents death, but she never took into consideration that they were protecting her. They choose her over themselves, tears swelled around her eyes. “I’m so sorry, I never thought….” Renne cried. All these years she has been rejecting people who loved her equally as much as her parents, Renne dried her tears and smiled at the watch “Thank you so much!” she whispered to it. Renne sprinted back to her aunt, and hugged her. “What’s this all about?” Linda said startled by Renne’s actions.  Renne looked up at her aunt “I love you, Aunt Linda!” she smiled.  
“Well what brought this up?” Linda asked.
“I just wanted to tell you” Renne replied. “Oh and whys that?”
Linda smiled returning the hug, Renne look at her aunt “A very special person said them to me once.”
sorry if its hard to read ;3 I tried spacing it but it didn't really work, this is my English story due this friday and I would like some feedback on it!!! I would love your guys opinion :heart:
:iconrollingtomorrow:
RollingTomorrow Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013   General Artist
Thank you for submitting to the Critique Folder at :iconwriters--club:! :la:

Your ideas here were good and the story showed a lot of your characters' personalities through their actions and words. That was definitely nicely done. :nod: As for the spacing, to get it to work well on DA, I always manually add an extra space between each paragraph. Beyond the technical formatting of spacing, it's also very important to start a new paragraph for each time there is a new speaker. It's the technique most professionals use and it makes things a lot more readable. Beyond that, there were also some grammar errors like fragment sentences and missing commas. For example, if you start out with a name, or something like sweetie, shh, or sorry to name a few I noticed here, you want to have a comma after it. There are some other technical rules about those, but I won't go into them too much; you can Google comma rules and get great explanations of them. :D

Nevertheless, you put good ideas into your work as well as an enjoyable conclusion! Keep practicing with it! :la:


*TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club and #LandoftheSky
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:iconwriterwithoutapencil:
writerwithoutapencil Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you very much! Yes I understand my grammar needs work but I'll keep practicing to get better! Thank you for critiquing my work and I will use this to help me advance in the future!
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